When I decided to move across the country in February, I was gambling that I would not get cancer again. If I had a way to know my fate, and more cancer was in the cards, I would have stayed put. But here I am, still (ostensibly) cancer free and moving on with a quasi brand new life.
Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue. Those tired old words pretty much sum up my new life in Chicago. It is a new existence but with so many imprints from the past and from people who have weaved in and out of my life for years. Still can't quite make sense of it. What was I thinking? What was the purpose of starting over? My life was perfectly good in California. My heart aches when I think of all the wonderful people that are no longer a BART ride away.
Back to February. When I was mulling over my move, I tried to look at it from every angle. How was this whole thing going to play out.
One day I was not even thinking about whether or not I would move and suddenly it popped inot my head that if I moved, some of my cancer friends would die and I would not be in California to mourn them up close. At the time, I thought that those inevitable deaths were still a long way off.
But this summer, three women whose cancer struggle intertwined with mine all died withing a month of each other. Each of their deaths came with plenty of warning but still caught me by surprise. There is a lot you can do to delay death if you really work at it.
Natalia. Deb. Lynnly. Deb and Natalia were younger than me when they died, Lynnly lived to the grand old age of 54.
I do not feel guilty that I have so far survived the true hatchet of cancer but I cannot stop wondering how it is that our fates started so similarly and have ended so differently.
There are so many things that I love about my new life and I am desperately thankful that I have been granted this opportunity.
I understand why I came but I do not know why I left.
I miss my friends in California and I mourn the deaths of my friends. My only solace is that they no longer have to live with cancer, cancer treatment, hospitals, and doctors.
If you want to know Lynnly:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4p4l1QHFdWg
If you want to know Deb:
http://doiy.com/deb_mosley/
If you want to know Natalia
http://www.beginwithin.net/
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Hey Carolyn,
It's 5 in the AM on the West Coast, and I just remembered your blog and thought I would check it out. And up pops this post. I miss Deb and Lynnly too, and being here in California doesn't make the missing any less. Love to you.
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